But What If….

I had several events in my life recently that required me to see a certified therapist.I needed someone to listen and let me process without making me feel guilty or wrong.

During one of our sessions,she presented me with a question,”What if everything turned out good or okay?”

What if I went to that party/bar/club/event and everything turned out okay?

What if I finished writing that book and it became a bestseller?

What if I opened my heart again and was vulnerable to love?

What if I pictured every scenario ending in peace instead of chaos?

What if dared to hope and dream again?

What if the world doesn’t explode if I say no?

What if?

Dream

 

Recently,I had two separate dreams.I want to not just remember,but also share.My dreams  almost always feel real. Like I’m in between sleep and fully awake.

The first dream,I could tell I was at work.I went through several rooms and ended up in the kitchen/office.My manager was there and she had something in her hand.It was keys or a spectra-link phone(I’m still confused about that part).She would put the spectra-link/keys in my hand.Then take it back.Next,she turned to the side and I noticed she was about four to five months pregnant.Mind you my manager is about 50 years old.(HA!)I awoke right after and went back to sleep after thinking about the meaning.

The second dream.In this dream,I was at my ex house.He gave me the key to his house.I went to leave,but couldn’t. His driveway turned into a drive thru.I finally found an opening and went home.I made it home and he called to ask for his key back.Next,there was a knock at the door and I thought it was him.I could feel myself get out the bed to answer the door in real life.As I went to answer the door I asked,”Who is it?”He yelled,”Daniel!”I looked out through the glass square windowpane of the backdoor.I noted it was a bright sunny day. There was a white or light man who I didn’t recognize. I went to lock the door. He yelled while lifting his leg to kick the door in,”Get back or I’m going to hurt you.”Something of that nature.I ran back to my room and jumped out of by bedroom window.I woke with my heart beating like I was running.

I have a few theories about  both dreams.Especially,the one work related as there is a bit of transition happening.I do believe the theme of both dreams are dealing with communication and relationships(duh).My angels maybe sending me a message and “Daniel”may have actually been an Angel.Still processing.

I pray for myself often and have noticed some results,but still felt the urge for some extra help.I asked someone to pray for direction and wisdom  related to work.Instead,they prayed for discernment and wisdom.Discernment the ability to judge well feels more appropriate.

To be continued or not.I still owe a post with pictures of those Hello  Fresh meals.

Photo Credit:  https://commons.wikimedia.org/wiki/File:The_Dreambook_(Philadelphia_1835)_woman_dreaming.jpg

 

 

Chewing Away Emotions

I recently broke off an on again, off again “relationship”of two years . I’m not going to go into  details about it, I’ll save those juicy tidbits for another post.
Anywho, I was on lunch yesterday shopping at Kroger and I finally decided that I wasn’t going around that mountain again.As I began to feel the pain of loss( that lump of emotions in the throat),I literally put a piece of gum in my mouth to swallow it.In that moment, I saw myself. Clearly, seeing how I gained over  90 pds in the last 10 years.

I was eating away any pain, emotion and disappointment. Literally, chomping on that stick of gum like my life depended on it and making a  beeline towards the candy aisle to buy an Almond Snickers (num yummy).I just stopped in the middle of the aisle and headed back towards the fresh fruits and vegetables. I picked up anything green and some oranges.Avoided the empty lane with the cashier surrounded by candy and self scanned my food.Unloaded the food into my car, grabbed an orange and proceeded to feel the hurt.I just let it flow and pushed off the urge to be a strong black woman. I let myself be human.
What am I going to do with this new revelation? Hopefully,start the process of making healthier choices in all areas of my life.

Heart 2

No, I lost my mind trying to save your heart.
You handed it to the undeserving and I wanted to get it back.
I traded in my good sense for your sweet feeling.
I feel like a fool drunk off of love.
because I know that my heart is sitting right in your chest.
you keep beating.
It wasn’t that I lack the care To keep up with it.
I just thought that it should be mine and mine alone.
so I took the time to retrieve it for you.
and for me so I lost my mind looking for the place you left your heart.
to show you that the place that it should always be is with me
By James G
ME:Bless your heart
as it thrives within me
housed ,sheltered
in my body
LOVE born for beauty
turn so ugly
The piece I gave thee
was the best of me
and all I had left
A piece of me should be
better than none at all.
Couldn’t you have made it whole
grow from the seed
plant,water,feed
You lost your mind
not tending to the part you had of me.

A smile is brought to my face. As you speak. but I want the best and the worst of you. my mind is useless because my only thought is of you with it or without. but seeing that I belong to you whole heart, body and soul. I thought that I will put the effort in to make it the same. by putting your heart in my chest. whole. and placing the ring on your hand. I wish to complete the circle of the infinity that is you and me. I know true peace in the piece of your heart that you gave me. planted it in the beautiful Poetic soil of my sol. watered it with brainstorms. shined up on it all the love that I could. And watch it grow. but then when we saw him. on the part of your heart that he had neglected and abuse. I only wish to add it to my garden soil to grow healthy. and he could be only your past and not have a part of you too. By J.Gregory

Heart

He said,”Lost my mind looking for the place you left your heart..”

When all he had to  do was check his hands

Check his left pocket

been gave it for him to hold

 safe keeping

Guess he likes to chase

feels like he stole something

I would lose my mind ,too

if the heart I was given

 no longer in its beautiful disposition

lost its rhythm

irregular , deoxygenated, sick

malnourished from lack of attention

and careless handling.

I say, “You lost your mind  destroying my heart.”

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

You are Love…

When you really like someone its easy to start competing for the object of your affection. Dropping hints of how you are better than the next. Displaying your resume. “I can fix cars and I have a degree.” Dropping hints of your extraordinary Christian genealogy. “I’m from a long line of prayer warriors.”
Some men and women feel they are such a hot commodity, that they place suitors in some sort of rat race. With them being the ultimate prize. The golden piece of cheese.
Sometimes, we like that piece of cheese and hunger for it. The longer it’s out of reach, the harder we try to obtain. As if, life will all make sense once it’s acquired.
I don’t know about you, but I desire for someone to hunger for me, just as I hunger for them. After waking up and thinking of The Lord, I want their next thought to be of me. Thinking of me during the day to the point I can feel it and I know it’s him. Sending love my way and not insecurity of my place in his heart. We are both thinking of ways to out do each other in ACTS of LOVE.
I pray to be inspired by LOVE, not insecurity or competition.
Inspired by the reality of Love’s growth and power.
Inspired by you. Because you are LOVE, You just don’t know it, yet.

Open your mouth…

I just had to write my thoughts.
I always,wondered why my pastor prayed for me to open my mouth,ask God for what I want and praise him.
I realised,I went through life not asking for anything or expecting.I don’t know at what age this happened.I see,I did that because I was afraid of being disappointed.If I didn’t ask for anything,I had nothing to look forward to.If I had nothing to look forward to,if it didn’t come to pass,well I had no reason to be disappointed.Living in this frame of mind left me at the mercy of others.They gave me what they felt I should have.Often times it was for my good but most of time it benefited them.
I chose,this way of life.A defeated life.But God had/has other plans for my life.According,to Jeremiah 29:11 For surely,I know the plans I have for you.,says the Lord,plans for YOUR(me) welfare and not for harm,to give you a future with hope.But I had to do something,there is condition to that promise.Jeremiah 29:12Then when you call upon me and come and pray to me,Iwill hear you.He will hear.I had to open my mouth,ask,pray and praise him.The moment I did that,my life changed.He heard me.

Love is?

1 Corinthians 13

New International Version (NIV)

⁴ Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. ⁵ It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. ⁶ Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. ⁷It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.⁸ Love never fails.

I started this post back in Nov.For the life of me,I couldn’t finish.I looked over my life and tried to gather words for how love felt for me.Love for me was the exact opposite.

Love for me was fear.Fear of not pleasing someone,they would leave.Love hurt.The person who loved you the most hit you,beat you,and antagonized you the most.

Love remembered every wrong thing you did and lied on you.

Love was happy and rejoiced when you failed and sometimes caused the failure.

Love made you cry,feel anxious,and desperate.

Love was sexual and predatory.

Love was controlling and obsessive.

Love was drama and a roller coaster ride of ups and downs.Mainly down.

When I meet or met people who didn’t give me these feelings well,they didn’t interest me.That rush or anxious wasnt there.Taking time to get to know each other,what was that?

I was born this way and lived this way for years.Its hard to recognize the truth of love.Hard to accept the love that is described in 1st Corinthians 13.

Sometimes,its hard to accept God and Jesus loves me the way I am.That I don’t have to wait until I lose that extra 75 pounds,get a better job,have sex,buy something,before I can come to the goodness and love of Christ.To accept that love is God.

It’s like that song.Who am I that you are mindful of me?That you hear me,when I call?Is it true that you are thinking of me?How you love me?Its amazing.I am a friend of God.

In my mind,it truly is amazing and extraordinary thought that there is someone out there that loves me that much and its nothing I have done but be born in this world.In my warped mind,its next to impossible.In my sad mind,it’s a pipe dream that will fall away when I awake and my high comes down.

In my spirit and soul it’s what keeps me alive daily.It gives me hope for better days,months,years,and beyond.Prevents me from loving my children,my family, and friends the way I learned to love.To recognize love when I see it,feel an know it.